I have a good and funny jokes about a couple started a fight.
When we read it, it's funny but when it happen to us, it isn't!
Good day!!!
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked the boat up tothe truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible.
"My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started ....
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....
He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for SocialSecurity..
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing mycurly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the SocialSecurity office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'' Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
'The husband replies, 'Your eye sight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Showing posts with label wife vs husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wife vs husband. Show all posts
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Joke Time: MAN vs. WOMAN
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box..
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'He addressed the man,'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to Roll my own . So does she.(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?
''Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
'Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.
'Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.
'So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake himat 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.
Wake up.'Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box..
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'He addressed the man,'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to Roll my own . So does she.(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?
''Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
'Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.
'Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.
'So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake himat 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.
Wake up.'Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
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